Part Deux

Phase two is beginning...

Organic food and stability balls. Its scary, but I actually LIKE some of this whole grain, all natural junk. The Kashi five cheese and tomato pizza is rather good for health-ish food.

And Diet Sodas are out the window. So sad. The plan Ive put myself on allows for water and tea. Green, White, and Oolong tea. With no artificial sweetners, cause they are evil. Sigh. I think Ill miss my Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi most of all. Its been a good friend through many years, although apparently secretly undermining my attempts to cut back on calories. So maybe not such a good friend. Found two possible replacements for my splenda, though. One is Agave Nectar and its super sweet but all natural. And the other is Stevia, which is much sweeter than sugar but again, is all natural. Its harder to find the Stevia, but I have a local chain store here called Home Economist that actually sells the stuff. This plan also asks that I find raw milk. I dont feel comfortable doing that, though. Not to mention, its next to impossible to find. So organic 2% will have to work.

And who wouldve thought you could get a very decent workout while rolling around on a very big bouncy ball?

I dont know what these phases are leading up to, but I feel like Ive put myself in training for something that is coming my way. I know what Id like that something to be, but who knows if it will actually happen. Sometimes best friends should be left as friends and nothing more. And the question of "what mightve been" may not need answered. Again, who knows?

I know what I DO need to incorporate into this phase, though: social activities that will allow me to meet people that like concerts. Weve got some good ones coming this summer that I would love to see and I just dont see me going to a concert by myself and having as much fun.

I need a concert buddy. I bet I could take out an ad for one on Craigslist and get all sorts of weird responses. THATS an interesting, yet IQ-dulling waste of time- reading their personal ads.

I had other stuff to write about that didnt include me or my boring life, but I get here and I forget what they are.

Sigh.

Me me me me me

Phase one of my plan to change my life is underway and going quite well, I think.

I'm quitting smoking. Not in that drastic, shock your system, cold-turkey sort of way, but in a wean myself down and change my habits and mental attachments gradually kind of way. Its been pretty effective. I've gone from about two packs a day to about 6-9 cigs per day total in the past week. AND my body isn't freaking out over it, but will instead start complaining if I smoke any more than that.  I've limited my smoking to outside only. Not in the house and not in the car. Which leaves my porch and rest stops along my blood runs, basically. I think its actually a pretty genius way to quit. Maybe Ill write up more details on it, write a book about it, and sell it. Nah.

And by me quitting, I've had to limit my internet time as well. Because the computer and chain smoking used to go hand in hand for me. And by limiting my internet time (maybe an hour a day I think) I've had to occupy myself in other ways. Which has also been a good thing. I'm starting to think about phase 2 and how to go about it as soon as phase 1 is complete. Should take less than a week to finish the transformation to nonsmoker. Cutting back one or two more cigs a day as I go and let myself get used to the drop in nicotine for a day before cutting another couple.

Anyhow.. I'm just logging my progress. Surprised that I've managed to keep my upbeat attitude and focus on fixing stuff and starting over for so long. Usually I lose it by now don't I? Maybe this time really IS for real. :)

*********

Random question though.. WHO and WHY did the gas with the 9/10 thing start? You know what I mean.. the signs for gas that read $3.97 9/10 .... Why not just say $3.98? Or give us a break for once and round DOWN. Anyone else notice the subtle differences in certain stations? I paid $42 and some change for a fill up from "gas light on" at a station advertising $3.85. I paid $45 and some change at a station advertising $3.69 from the same gas light point. I've heard the difference comes from when the pump actually starts pumping versus when it starts counting, and the difference can be around $5 or so and if you complain, they can give you up to $5 back. BUT I'm wondering if there isn't a greater conspiracy at work. That has to do with mislabeling gas prices to compete with the station down the street. I heard BP gas stations were behind some conspiracy to corner the market on pricing, but I don't know much about it. I do know that I refuse to stop there. And have for some time since they were caught trying to monopolize the market in FL when I lived there and had to sell off some of their stations. So I've almost always avoided them anyways.

Ok.. enough on the gas situation.. Although I hear its supposed to hit $5/gallon before this is done. And I pay for my gas out of pocket with the job, with very little comped back to me. So its a huge issue in my line of work. Just waiting for the truckers to go on strike again. And maybe my people may join in. I really don't see why stations charge so much more for diesel fuel though. Isn't it cheaper? Don't they use MORE of it? Seems like you wouldn't need to up the price so much to make a good profit.

Which candidate is going to lower gasoline prices? Neither damn one of them. Put more money into researching fuel alternatives, but how is that going to help me and my gasoline powered car? Hmm??

Haha.. ok. I promise. I'm done.

Thanks for the comments and congrats and all :) And surprisingly.. things are STILL good.

My job has been slow lately. Which has its good points I suppose. It means less people are getting into accidents as well as less chemo treatments going on right now. I don't usually think about the "what" and "why" of my job. Sometimes, though, I DO hear the stories behind why I'm driving a box of blood platelets or plasma clear across the state in a hurry.

Every now and again we get runs to the same hospital back to back throughout the day. For instance, one day not too long ago, I was running units out to Union county (about an hour one way) and as soon as I left, I was told to get back to the Red Cross to pick up some more.. meanwhile, hearing that another driver was already on his way out to the same hospital with units. I never ask "why" when we have to do these back and forth runs to the same place and they are all marked "stat". Because, honestly, sometimes its just better not to know. On this occasion, my dispatcher was told by the Red Cross what the situation was, who then relayed it to me. A woman had just given birth and was losing blood rapidly. It was a desperate situation. All I could do was drive as fast as possible and send up a few prayers for her. It seriously made my driving WAY more frantic and aggressive than normal. And Ill admit, I'm a pretty aggressive driver as it is. And when our runs stopped to that hospital, of course I had to ask myself if we were successful.. if the doctors were successful.. or if the lack of calls for more units didn't mean something more somber.

And speaking of hospitals... and with Memorial Day coming up...

I go to ALOT of hospitals. Most of my runs are at least one to two hours away. Some as far as 3-4. I've been in the fancy chain conglomerate hospitals, and the smaller town ones. I never even realized hospitals were "chain friendly" until I had this job. Quite a few of them owned by the same people. And they always look like they are competing with each other. Bigger entrances, more billboards with larger promises of wellbeing, parking decks upon parking decks...

But then.. there are the Veteran's hospitals. I've been in two of them that are here in NC. I wont call them out by name, but I've also seen the actual patient rooms in at least one of them due to Matthew's uncle being a Vietnam Vet and needing to be hospitalized at a few points..

The Veterans hospitals are the least fancy, most rundown and sad hospitals I make runs to. One of them puts up a big fancy entryway, but once you get past that into the staff areas and the patient rooms, you see that all the money ended up in the fancy foyer.

The other night, I made a run to one of the two VA hospitals and as I was walking up to the Emergency Entrance doors, I passed a lady on a cell phone. I caught only bits of the conversation, but the parts I DID catch made me piece together a story that said that the VA had neglected to order the platelets on time "again" and she didn't know WHAT she was going to do for so-n-so (the patient, I'm assuming), or how long it was going to take, and she was tired of the way they had been treated, with multiple mistakes, etc. She saw me with my clearly marked "Red Cross" box and stopped talking to ask in a frenzied way "are those the platelets??". I just nodded, not knowing if they were "the" platelets or just platelets for someone else.. Its always awkward running into a waiting family. They usually get all talkative, rush me on, and one family in a small town hospital walked me all the way to the lab in a hurried way.

The lady was still there when I came out and she put her hand over the cell phone mouthpiece and said "thank you, thank you, thank you!" All I could do was smile and nod and wish her the best. Sometimes I wonder about stopping and getting the full story behind what I'm delivering and why. But I really think the separation of it in my mind is for the best. And I felt sad for that lady and whoever in her family was the veteran receiving them. After all the sacrifice our service men and women put in for the citizens of this country, could we not at least ensure they were well taken care of when they became ill? Could we not make sure that they had a nice, clean, comfortable place to recover, and that they didn't have to prolong those stays any longer than necessary?

I still love my job. I still work 7 days a week and am on call 24 hours a day. My mileage tally is more along 1500-2,000 miles per week now. I had an oil change last Tuesday and I'm less than 1,000 away from my next "recommended" service date. 3,000 miles in two weeks... And you should see how much I pay out in gasoline.. its about as much as I was making per week in my last job. But this job has totally ruined me for anything "normal" ever again. As much as I complain about it, I love the randomness. The never knowing when I will and won't be working. The driving for hours upon hours with just me and the stereo or a good audiobook. I can't picture working a regular shift anytime in my near future ever again.. which is somewhat sad, since I can't picture working this job AND having a semi-normal social life. But at the moment, I'm perfectly content with what I have and what I do, and I will worry about having a normal life later...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life..

Man, today was just the most perfect day. Still is. Im going back out into it in just a moment.

Its the kind of day that makes you want to "do" something to take full advantage of it, and that thought crossed my mind briefly, then I realized that sometimes just "being" was as good as "doing". Just being able to sit on my porch and feel the warmth from the sun on my face while feeling the breeze cool my skin and seeing the striking contrast between the clear blue sky and the full green trees was a blessing. I love when I can just enjoy a simple moment like that. When I dont let my life crowd out all the peace and beauty around me. Even from here, I can hear the birds chirping away in a non-annoying way that only happens when one is in a good mood.

Life is good. Well, life really is just life, and good or not depends on what you put into it, but Im starting to really be able to move on now. I heard a song that hit me just the right way at just the right moment and its had a dramatic effect on me. I havent stopped smiling since yesterday. Its a country song by Rascal Flatts.. "When The Sand Runs Out". And its not that dramatic of a song, but like I said, it just came at the most perfect moment to hit me in the face.

Im letting go of the past. Im cutting it off. Ive let it control me too long and it has to stop. My mistakes have been made and cant be changed. Dwelling on them will only help me make new ones. I am giving this white box here my word that I will no longer moan about misery and being caught up in what's missing now that my husband is no longer with me. He moved out in February due to my decision based on information that was given to me in January. And whether he is guilty or innocent will be left up to the government to figure out. What I have to do is just take the choice I made and stick with it, right or wrong. There were obviously other factors that helped me make that choice in February, but regardless of all of that, I just have to admit that I am in for a second divorce and that sucks, but it just IS. I cant keep stringing him along at the same time Im keeping my heart open to the possibility that what the cops said was all a fluke and a lie. Even if it IS a lie, like I said, there are other factors that led to the demise of our marriage. And without trust, you have nothing worth working on.

I know Ive said this before, but a bunch of other things have been different this time around, and I think for once, Im going to stop whining about stuff and take control of my life. I have lived here in Charlotte for almost 10 years now, and I no longer have any close friends here, nor have I let the city have a major impact on me. Ive basically been living in the outskirts of all of the life this city offers. Im trying to change that now. I have a few things in mind as to where to start and plans that are being laid in my mind. Now that I no longer can pass the blame onto my partner, I have to take responsibility for doing or not doing what I want with my life. So I will.

Alright.. thats all I wanted to say. Im going back outside to enjoy the sun while its hanging around.

To bury the past entry.. lol..

What's Important to You... And What Isn't:

For you, primal needs like eating and sleeping are your top priorities. You find getting things done to be incredibly stressful. You don't like having things to do. Your most important priorities get your attention. You are happily able to let the less important things slide. You want thinking to be a high priority, but you don't take enough time for yourself.